Sibling rivalry- ideas to help
Ideas to help
Parents often experience a
constant feeling of guilt - wherever they
are, they always feel they should be somewhere
else. Compromise has to be the name of the game to cope with
this. The following feelings are often expressed by parents
under pressure from sibling rivalry.
Do you think as a parent, you are
sometimes the only one whose children constantly fight with
one another? Do you believe that other families sit down for meals
and that theirs is true harmony and calm? Is this really an
idealised view?
The acknowledgement that your
time needs to be given evenly to all siblings is the first step in
achieving it. The need for parents to have time for
themselves must also be ensured. Sibling rivalry has always
occurred and is very normal behaviour. Strategies to ease the
tension can be pursued but will never get rid of the problem
completely.
Ring-fence time with each child
each day, even if it is a short but precious time on their own.
Individual time is important. Especially when one sibling knows
that you do need to help the other one more. Let them choose
an activity, or read a book together. Give them a chance to talk to
you on their own. They may find it hard in a noisy atmosphere
where everyone seems to be trying to grab the
limelight.
Appreciate each child's strengths
• Don't compare one sibling
with another. Think about them having different hobbies and
interests which
are their own as well as
shared interests as a family. You and your partner can do something
different
with each sibling, e.g.
tennis with Mum, dog-walking with Dad. This protected time
does not need to be
hours but should be regular
so that they know it is theirs.
• Give each child their
own set of chores so they gain responsibility.
• Work as a team if you are
with a partner so there are
consistent rules.
• Listen to both sides of
the story if there are fights.
• Don't label your
children e.g. the ‘good one’, the
‘responsible one’, the ‘baby’, the
‘lazy one’, the ‘messy
one’. You are
setting up expectations that they constantly have to meet.
They eventually believe what
they
hear.
• Don't get
involved in their arguments. Most arguments are started in the
presence of a parent. They
are done in this way to
get attention from their parents, and usually succeed in doing
so. Don't try to
spend time finding out who
is the one who started it, and who is to blame. Fault finding
will only
increase sibling
rivalry. Send them out of the room to settle their argument if
they are disturbing you.
Express that you feel
confident that they can settle their own arguments. Try only
to intervene if they
are getting
physical.
• Give older siblings a
space of their own so that they can keep their personal possessions
somewhere
safe. They should
have some things that they do not need to share.
• There needs to be an
acknowledgement that at different stages and ages there are
different rules,
e.g. bedtime, TV
programmes; and this is not because of good or bad
behaviour.